Mom: Happy Birthday. 

Daughter 1: It is not my birthday. It is Son 1′s birthday.

Evil Mom: Daughter 1, I called Son2 yesterday and did you know he knows how to speak mandarine really well !!

Daughter 1: I would hope so, I paid for three years of chinese school and airfare for him to go to China for study abroad.

Evil Mom: He went to China?

Daughter 1: He was there for 2 months!

Phone Conversation:

Evil Mom: You are sleeping at home today.

Daughter 1: I haven’t lived at home for a year !

Evil Mom: My friend is coming over and I want you to sleep here. It is embarrassing that you are living on your own so young.

Daughter 1: I don’t even have a bed at the house. I’m not going through with this charade. 

Evil Mom: Ok just come to the house today so you can see my friend. Also you haven’t seen your siblings in months.

Daughter 1: Arg fine.

Prologue: Daughter 1 ended up slept on the couch that night after much guilt tripping once at the house.

Daughter 1: Oh Hi Mom, I’m just coming over to drop something off to Son 1

EvilMom: I am going to buy your brother a car, can you help me research what car to buy him?

Daughter 1: You told him two year ago you would buy him a car and he already picked a car out.

EvilMom: Oh he picked out a car already? 

Daughter 1: Just ask Son 1. It’s nice that I haven’t seen or spoken to you in two years and the first thing you ask me about is what car to buy Son 1. That’s lovely.

Daughter 1 B.F.: Since we are going to see your mom, let me buy her some pastries.

Daughter 1: I know this is the first time your going to meet my mom, but don’t bother buying pastries.

Daughter 1 B.F.: Everyone eats pastries. Your siblings would probably enjoy them too. They can take a break from eating chinese food.

Daughter 1: Ok if you want.

  Two Weeks Later 

Daughter 1: I went to my aunts house today and my mom regifted your pastries to my aunt. 

Daughter 1 B.F.: But I bought them for her. Why would she give it away? What about your siblings?

Daughter 1: I warned you…..

Daughter 1 Age 14 at Pediatrician with Evil Mom

EvilMom: My daughter had a cold 2 weeks ago.

Pediatrician: Let me check her vitals… Well she seems fine now.

EvilMom: Can you write me a prescription for medicine in case she gets a cold again?

Pediatrician: No

EvilMom: Also, one of her breasts is bigger than the other, is there anything she can do about that?

Pediatrician: Um. She is still growing, they may even out. I think maybe she has outgrown a pediatrician. I can make some recommendations for adult doctors. 

Daughter 1: Hey Brother 2, Aren’t you going to work for mom this weekend?

Son 2: Mom wants me to pay for the bus to go see her.

Daughter 1: What??? You don’t get paid to work and she wants you to pay to work? That’s ridiculous.

** In Mom’s Restaurant **

Daughter 2: Bye Mom, I am leaving.

Evil Mom: Before you go, go over to that table and say good bye to those customers.

Daughter 2: You mean those creepy guys that were staring at me? NO! Your demented.

Evil Mom: But they are customers…

Daughter 2: Hey Mom, I’m here for your restaurant’s Grand Opening

MyEvilMom: Let me introduce you to my staff, those two girls are the waitresses and there’s the Manager Steven.

Steven: My name is not Steven, it’s Patrick.

MyEvilMom: Oh, whoops. Daugther 2, the cook is in the back, why don’t you go to the kitchen and give him a massage.

Daughter 2: Uh… NO!! Do I look like a masseuse? Your crazy.

EvilMom: Son 1, Since you are here for my restaurant’s Grand Opening, There are a bunch of things you can do for me while you are here.

Son1: I’m not here to work, I’m just here for the Grand Opening and to see you. But I can do you a favor. All you have to do is say “Son1, Can you do me a favor”, and I’ll help you.

EvilMom: OK, Son 1, can you do me a favor…….

**Later in the Day**

EvilMom: Son 1, can you do me a favor…..

Son1: No, I already did you a favor.

EvilMom: But you said all have to do is ask you to do me a favor.

Son1: I already did a lot of work for you today. No more favors. A favor is usually just one thing. I’ve done like 10 days worth of favors today.

EvilMom: Son2, take the train to the city to pick up your sister from work

Son2: I have homework to do, it will take me 2 ½ hours back and forth. My sister is 17, I’m sure she can come home by herself. She rides the train all the time by herself. Besides, I’m 10 shouldn’t you be more worried about me taking the train by myself?

EvilMom: If you pick her up, you can use my MetroCard and your sister can save money.

Son2: She will only save 1.50 !!!!

EvilMom: I said NOW!

**Epilogue**

Son2, went back and forth to pick up his sister from work 5 times a week for about a year all so she could save $ 1.50 a day.

Daughter 1 Age 10

MyEvilMom: If you act up, I will replace you with a cow !

Daughter1: Hu?

MyEvilMom: I will take a cow’s brain and take your brain and switch it.

Daughter1: That’s impossible!

MyEvilMom: They did it in China, so watch out! You could end up being a cow. The cow might even be smarter than you.

–1992

EvilMom: Hey Daughter 1, for your birthday I am going to give you $100.00

Daughter 1: Oh wow, Thanks!

EvilMom: I will put it in a bank account with both our names

Daughter 1: Oh Thanks!

–5 months later at the bank

Daughter 1: Can I withdraw 20.00?

Teller: Your account was closed a month ago by your mother

Daughter 1: WHAT?!?

–Later

Daughter 1: Mom why did you close my account?

EvilMom: I needed the money

Daughter 1: Ok, will I ever get the money back?

EvilMom: It was my money to being with. so No.

1999

EvilMom: Hey Kids, I want you to paint your room.

Daughter 1: We don’t have enough paint.

EvilMom: We have all these left over paints, lets just mix it together.

–Later in the Day

Son 2: Why is our bedroom black now?

Daughter 1: Your mom is cheap and didn’t want to buy paint.

— Son 2 with Friends playing Chinese Poker

Son 2: I’m putting down 3 pairs and 1 triple. 

Friends: WHAT?? Where did you learn to play Chinese Poker?

Son 2: From my mom… So what about 2 Full Houses, Can I put that down?

Friends: Uh no!

Son 2: My mom always put those combinations down.

— Later at Home

Son 2: Sister 1, Did you know that your mom has been playing the rules of Chinese Poker wrong our whole lives??

Daughter 1: Makes sense, she probably made up rules as she went along so she would always win.